


Oh God how I love him

by haysend



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes After Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 03:23:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18791983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haysend/pseuds/haysend
Summary: My first try at writing stucky, this is a work in progress.





	Oh God how I love him

**Author's Note:**

> Please be gentle with me, this is my first time ;)  
> I want to thank BlueSimplicity for giving me courage to post this.  
> English is not my first language, so if you have some suggestions or you notice grammar mistakes, let me know.

They were the opposites of each other. He was darkness and Steve was all the light in the world. Bucky was shadow and Steve was as bright as the sun. And you could say that those things didn’t matter, that they were friends and allies and such differences were meaningles. But it wasn’t just that they were in the opposite sides of the spectrum. There was blood. Innocent blood. Bucky had spilled so much of it, so much. And yes, Steve had spilled blood too. But it was different. So different. And as Bucky sat there in the all too soft couch and watched how Steve played some idiotic modern game with everyone else, he realised it.

The difference between them.

Steve never liked it.

The killing.

But it was necessary.

Bucky moved his gaze away from the blonde and to the outside of the towers amazingly large windows as a memory filled his mind.

_Steve has disappeared after a fight against the nazis and Bucky was walking in the streets of this destroyed little village when he noticed an almost destroyed church and between the rubble and chaos there was Steve. Sitting and staring at the only wall that was still standing. A painting of God. Bucky stood behind him in silence._

_“Do you think He will forgive us?” Steve said, his voice tired and coarse. Bucky looked the painting and smirked. “Dum Dum swears so much, I think he can not be forgiven.” He had said lightly. But Buckys smile had faded when he looked at Steve and noticed how his shoulders slumped and a sigh escaped his chapped lips. He was being serious. Of course he was. Bucky lifted his gaze from his best friend back to painting and looked at the cracked lines of the wall. Silence fell between._

_“You know this is what soldiers do. Kill the enemy so that they won’t kill us.” Bucky tried, but he knew it was pointless. Steve always tried to find a way to win without having to kill the common soldiers, but often in vain. “They are just men. Men with families at home. Dreams and desires. If they are just soldiers most of them got drafted without the chance to decide if they wanted to join or not.” Steves voice grew almost painful to listen to Bucky. The quilt was too much. Steve looked at his hands, the calloused tips of his fingers._

_“Have my hands always been this bloodied..” Steve whispered. Bucky turned to look at his best friend, and grabbed his hands between his._

_"Hey, listen to me Stevie. These hands are good. They saved me, remember? These hands might have blood in them, but only because you saved people. People who would have died a horrific death if you haven’t been there, if you didn’t have this blood in your hands.” Bucky said, trying to find a way to look into his friends blue eyes, but in vain. Steve was just looking at their hands._

_“We will end up in Hell.” He whispered again and Bucky grunted. Shitfuck. He let go of Steves hands so that he could grab the guys face. He lifted Steves head, so that he had look at Bucky in the eyes._

_“If you are going to Hell, well who cares? It can not be a worse place than this. And you know what? Do not worry, if you end up in Hell, I will end up in there as well. Because where you go, I go. ‘Till the end of the line, pal.” Bucky preached to his best friend and stared into those blue eyes, which were full of sorrow. An sad smile rose into Steves face._

_“ ‘Till the end of the line.”_

Bucky was deep in his memory, when he felt Steves precense next to him.

“Bucky?” He asked, a look of worry in his blue eyes. Bucky hated that look. The only thing he wanted to see in this man’s face was joy.

“A memory?” Steve continued, trying to find Buckys gaze, but the brunette continued to look outside and nodded.

“A good or a bad one?” Was the next question and Steve lifted his hand on to Buckys shoulder and gave it a squeeze. Oh, how much had he yearned for his touch. Buckys shoulder felt tingly just under Steves palm.

“I’m not sure.” Was all he could say. Because he thought it was kind of both. The sadness of Steve made it a bad one, a horrible one. But in the other hand it was a good one, because they were together.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Came the next question from Steve, and Bucky had expected this one. He shaked his head, because the lump in his throat didn’t allow him to speak.

“Cap, you gonna skip this round?” Clint asked beside the table and Steve's gaze moved back to his other companions. But he turned back to Bucky, a look of concern shadowing his beautiful face. Bucky wanted to swipe that look away from Steve’s face, wanted to place his flesh hand into his cheek and tell him not to worry. But he couldn’t do that. So he did put a smile on his face and patted the hand on his shoulder.

“I’m fine Steve. You shouldn’t miss your turn or Clint will never give you peace.” He tried to sound fine. He tried to sound like his head wasn’t screaming: _hold me, hold me close!_ Steve sighed and turned back to his game. Bucky's shoulder felt hot where Steve had touched it and his gaze turned to look at the blond and the amazing smile that had risen in his face.

Oh God, how he did love Steve.

* * *

 

The night had settled and with it Bucky found himself in his own bedroom, trying to sleep. It had started to rain, and the droplets were pounding in to the window. Bucky’s sleep was restless, as usual. He twisted and turned when the nightmare burned his body, made everything hurt. He was beating Steve, beating him until that beautiful fair face was all swelled and bruised. Then a knock at his door pulled him away from it. Bucky was panting, sweaty and the joint that connected his metal arm to his flesh shoulder was aching.

“Bucky. Can I come in?” It was Steve. Of course it was Steve, who else would it have been. It was like Steve had somekind of a freakin’ radar for his discomfort.

“Yeah.” Bucky answered while he rose up to sit in his bed, rubbing his metal shoulder. Shit, it ached so much he wanted to rip it away from his body.

“You get nightmares after memories.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. Steve knew him too well. Bucky clenched his teeth together and shivered. He could not help it. Suddenly Steve disappeared into his bathroom and he heard the water pouring. Bucky shivered again. The pain of the shoulder and the pain of the nightmare and the pain of the memory weighed so much he felt like he was drowning.

“This should help.” Steve said while sitting on the edge of his bed, holding a damp warm cloth in his hands. He carefully placed it on to Bucky’s shoulder, just were the flesh and metal joined. Bucky bit his lip, he wanted to... Well he was not sure what he wanted. Something. Steve did not say anything, just sat there, carefully reading his best friends face, all the emotions that were plastered on to it.

“You should go back to sleep Steve, I’m going to be fine.” Bucky said, lifting his eyes to meet the beautifu blue ones his best friend had. Steve sighed and a somewhat sad smile rose to his lips. Then carefully Steve shifted a strand of dark brown hair that had made its way on to Bucky’s face. Bucky closed his eyes and without thinking he leaned into the touch. When Steves hand went away Bucky bit his lip again and covered his eyes with his flesh hand. Steve rose from the bed and headed to the door. Holding the doorknob he turned to Bucky. “Do you need something?” Was the question and Bucky shurgged his head. But when Steve was about to close the door, he had to say it.

“ _A hug_.” It was silent whisper, almost un-hearable. But Steve stopped, closed the door behind him and returned next to Bucky, sitting back in to his bed. He did not say anything, just smiled and opened his hands to invite Bucky into a hug. And he did not hesitate for a second. Bucky almost threw himself into Steve’s embrace, buried his face into his shoulder, shaking violentely. Still Steve did not say anything, just moved one hand into Bucky’s back and the other into his hair. And Steve hold him. Holded him so tight that if it would be possible to just put Bucky together like this, he would have. Steve’s own heart ached from his friends pain, he wished he would be able to take some of this pain away from him, into his own shoulders.

Time went on, but neither of them cared. There they were, holding each other close, tight. Bucky could feel himself to relax in Steve embrace, but did not want to let go. This was the only place where he felt complete. Like himself. And Steve was not going anywhere, there was no rush. He listened the evened beat of Bucky’s heart and the silent breaths. Here was perfect. Here was where he was meant to be.

As time went on, Steve turned his head a little, only to notice that Bucky had fell to sleep into his arms. A soft smile rose to his lips and he carefully stroked Bucky’s cheek, just under his left eye. Bucky sighed in his sleep and duck his body closer to Steve. Steve continued watching his face, mentally drawing it into his mind so that he could maybe sketch it later.

Oh God how did he love Bucky.


End file.
